Filling Your Emptiness  --  Your New Life

 

Chapter 2

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Snapped

As a junior in high school, I came home drunk again late one night. Upon entering home, I saw my father lying drunk in bed as so many times previously. All the terrifying memories of my childhood came rushing into my mind — reliving themselves, torturing me again.

 

Mentally I snapped!

 

I pulled him out of bed. I beat him. I dragged him into the backyard, beating him. I tied him to a light pole. I beat him with a garden hose to finally punish him for all his abuse to my mother and the many years when I was too small to help her, for which she had begged and scolded us. I felt fulfilled, vindicated. I felt I was no longer a disappointment to my mother. I felt I had broken all the cycles!

 

But upon hearing considerable yelling, I turned to see and heard my mother at the back door yelling at me to stop because I had become just like my father!

 

I stopped, I was confused, I was disillusioned, I was shocked, I was empty, and somehow, my mother was saying it was my fault.

 

I had come full cycle; I had become my father! There was no hope!

 

I got in my car and left. I drove to the bootlegger and purchased beer. I wanted escape. I wanted to get away. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to die! I drove to a familiar drinking spot, intending to drink and then commit suicide. I obviously fell asleep.

 

Upon awakening the next morning, I started the cycle and routine over, but this time, as a very broken soul wandering without purpose and no hope!

 

I had lost out to my cycle, habit, addiction.

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