Filling Your Emptiness -- Your New Life
Chapter 3
The Beginning of Change
I met a party friend’s Colorado cousin: homecoming queen, blonde, beautiful, college student who didn’t curse, smoke, drink, or do drugs. I knew immediately I was going to be with her. A total opposite; I’ll never understand the attraction.
She would visit almost every weekend after that. We would attend parties together, each being ourselves—she, near perfect; me, just wild! It temporarily filled my void; it gave me temporary happiness, some hope. Someone loved being with me (or at least the fun and chaos), but the weekday absence was almost too much to bear.
New Beginnings
I now had a better job doing data processing at the Sudan Feed Lot run by Mr. Jim Davidson, a man who saw something in me he thought was good and potential.
I left the job against his advice and offer and moved to Amarillo so I could start business school (I was always in a hurry and thought I could prove myself if given a chance, and those schools will enroll anyone if you can make the payments) and so I could be near her daily.
I was finally away from all my dysfunctional family and environment. My void seemed filled. I finally had someone who loved me into marriage. But through the continued partying and drinking and my imperfectness, the emptiness and worry of abandonment would creep in and create unhappiness and distrust. It was a new style of unhappiness. Our differences created a divide and unhappiness, beginning a new void and continuing my cycle.
Having a chance to visit her perfect, loving family in Colorado during a school break, we also visited Denver. We fell in love with the beautiful city, and upon leaving, I secured a grocery store job beginning in two weeks.
We rushed home, made arrangements, packed, and moved to Denver, 550 miles away from all my haunting dysfunction—family and environment.
She could finish school in Denver, and there were many more job opportunities. I had a grocery store job making more than double my current wage, and my school would transfer. A new beginning for sure! Real hope!
But through the continued drinking with my new workmates, trying to fit in, and my imperfectness, the arguing and worry would creep in and create unhappiness and distrust. It was again a new style of unhappiness and continuation of my cycle.
We were going to have a baby, a son. I just knew that would be the final answer to happiness and being fulfilled. We would finally have and be that perfect family like hers.
It did not. I was miserable and dreaded coming home. Unhappy, an empty void, no reason to live, except for my child. It would not be fair that I be cheated out of this creation—a continued cycle. Again, no hope!